There was a time when it was all about You – life, love, romance.
But then my heart forgot, and it started chasing after things, chasing after man, and every other glittering attraction the world has to offer. I drank in deep the lies and made believe that they were from You and a part from You. Yes, You gave me good things, but they never were the same as You.
I thought I’d learnt that lesson in my youth, but the lure of the same idols took on a different intensity. It seems a renewal of faith and my vows to You is required seasonally.
Perhaps some day it will be necessary again as You bring me deeper into a love relationship with You and burn away more of the chaff, surface more of the silt in my heart and intensify the heat of the flames as You purify my desire and devotion to You. Or perhaps if my devotion to You never shifts, that time will never come.
It doesn’t matter.
I am here now, where You’ve wanted me since the beginning of ages and forever hereafter. You are life, love and romance. Outside of You, there is none. My pursuit of these things end in You, for in You all things good, all things essential to life, are found.
I used to wonder about the insatiable appetite for love, for romance, of longing to be wanted, feeling the ache and wondering if it’ll ever find satisfaction. ‘There isn’t anything out there that can fill up this endless void!’ I cried.
It hit me so deftly and quietly that I was surprised I hadn’t realized it sooner. My desire is infinite, as You are. You carved it out of me so that I will forever long for You. ‘There is a God-shaped vacuum in every person’s heart’ – I used to wonder what shape exactly that was, as though You who were pure Spirit and unbound by physicalities would have a shape at all. I now know the ‘shape’ was a reference to Your infinite nature. The vacuum within is infinite, and so are You. Only an infinite being could ever fill the void in me.
And so. I stop stuffing myself silly on soul junk, stop looking even to soul food to fill me up, and simply feed myself on You. Your body broken, Your blood spilled, for humanity, for the ones You love. We eat and drink You, and thereby eat and drink to satisfaction and wholeness.
I’ve come full circle, yet I’ve also moved on to the next phase.
All I want is You, Y’shua. All I need is You, Lord. From beginning to the end, everything in me crying out for You, for more and more of You.